Yesterday I decided to have a perfectly paleo week: lots of veggies, protein, some fruit, and healthy fats. The morning started off really well, and then I got to work and suddenly had a cup of coffee with creamer in it sitting in front of me, half gone. I hadn’t even realized I’d done it.

You know how sometimes you’re driving and then you get to where you need to be and can’t remember how you got there? It was like that.

I wonder how often I’ve done things absentmindedly. While certainly not the only reason I gained weight, it could be a contributing factor: eating without thinking at a party just because the chips are in front of me; getting coerced into ordering a gigantic sized popcorn at the movie theatre and then promptly eating it all; eating the bread at the beginning of a meal out. Mindless eating. Now I have mindless drinking to contend with! I’m being dramatic. Staying away from coffee is pretty easy, especially the semi-gross coffee at my office.

Let’s talk for a second about how delicious cashew butter is. Very. It’s very delicious.
Also it’s very expensive, which doesn’t really bother me because we don’t spend a whole lot of money on crackers or chips or cereal, so dropping $10 on a jar of cashew butter isn’t as big of a deal as it would be if we were still spending $100+ a week on groceries. MY POINT: Yum.

I went to the store on Monday night and bought a bag of beautiful and plump red grapes.

I learned today that the reason the grapes are so big is because they are full of seeds. Did you know that each grape has three seeds? And if you bite into the fruit the seeds will shoot out of the grape and down your throat? That’s what I learned today.

I’m eating the grapes like I would a small apple, spitting the seeds into the garbage can beside me. I’m such a professional.

Inspired by Jennie at shelikespurple.com

1. Comfortable with other people’s grief. I do not know what to say or do when there is traumatic upheaval vis a vis death. Did you boyfriend just break up with you? Are your finances a wreck? Do you feel far from grace? Let’s talk. But if your grandmother or father or dog died and you tell me and I get all weird and say “I’m sorry” and give you a lame pat on the back, please know that that is all I can give. I do not know what to do with myself in those situations. I will listen while you cry and tell me stories and I will care, deeply, about how you feel, but I will not hug you or console you or say anything at all.

2. The kind of person who has uncluttered counter tops. I try but it’s just something I cannot get myself to care about. When I watch TV and they show pictures of kitchens and I see the uncluttered counters I think “Those are beautiful! I’m going to unclutter!” I never do.

3. A cat person. I had a cat in college for about two months. It was terrible.

4. The kind of person who is tactful and graceful and could meet the President or someone without over-sharing or doing something generally embarrassing and bringing shame to her entire family. One time Govenor Bush called our house and instead of being all polite and lovely, I screamed across the house “DAD! YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL!” I wish I could say I was too young to know better, but I was sixteen.

5. Taller. When I picture myself as thin I somehow miraculously grow about 5 inches.

I thought it would be easier.

I thought I would be all super early a.m. gym goer and I could eat things in moderation and be okay. Apparently I thought my entire personality would change. It’s not that I can’t change; it’s just important, especially in the beginning, to not go against the grain. I hate waking up early so it’s ridiculous to think that I would magically want to wake up at 5 a.m. just to kick my own ass. I have never ever been able to only eat a little bit of sugar-filled anything yet still get all surprised when I eat more than my fair share of cookies. What did I expect, honestly? I expected myself to magically be the kind of person who could just eat one brownie or, maybe, no brownies at all.

Maybe one day. Not today, though.
Today I have to eat no brownies because I seem to be physically incapable of limiting myself.
Today I have to go to the gym at night because I am not yet at the point where I am willing to sacrifice an hour of sleep for getting all sweaty and gross. That’s okay.
Today I have to get prepared and stay prepared.
Today I need to be a little less hard on myself, realize it’s okay to start over, and do just that.

How did we accumulate so much shit when we’ve only lived in this house for a year? We rented a dumpster in September and got rid of a lot of things and, somehow, new things have taken their place. Things I swear I threw out before we even moved in have somehow materialized and maybe we moved in to some sort of weird wormhole.

I am not a naturally organized person, and much like yesterday’s post, I cannot expect to change this overnight. My plan is to go room by room (or section of room by section of room, if needed) and get rid of the clutter and the mess and the things we don’t use.

Do you spring clean? Any tips?

“I don’t understand how you can eat straight guacamole.”
“I don’t understand how you can’t.”
“I need something to eat it with, you know?”
“It’s called a spoon.”

1. Is it too early to start a Florida countdown? Ten months and ten days until we leave! I could roll around on the floor I am so excited.

2. I’m attempting to grow out my hair so it will be long and luscious by next March but right now it’s in an ugly, in-between stage that is absolutely annoying. It seems to be growing really quickly and for that I am grateful. Let’s breeze through this weird hair stage post haste before I get all antsy and chop it off.

3. I was watching TV the other day and there was a guy talking about organizing closets, specifically getting rid of clothes that aren’t being worn and take up space. It goes like this: turn all of the hangers around so they are facing the wrong direction. When you wear something and wash it and hang it back up, put it back in the closet with the hanger facing the regular direction. After six months, get rid of the clothes on the hangers that are still facing the incorrect direction. I think I might do this. I wear the same four things over and over again but when it comes to actually throwing something out, I balk. What if I need wear it? ACK! But chances are pretty solid that if I don’t wear it for six months I’m never going to wear it.

4. Hurley update: at eleven months old and 55 pounds, he continues to be a radiant moonbeam. He still hates the broom, vacuum, swiffer, and rake. We have trained him to sit on a mat in the kitchen when we cook and when we eat dinner. It’s fairly impressive and kind of makes up for the fact that we cannot get him to quit jumping on us when we get home. We have tried walking back out and ignoring him and those things do not work. So. Any other tips appreciated.

5. The following seems to have been happening more and more frequently to me lately and I need to express my distaste: if I call you and you cannot talk, then DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE. It is rude to answer the phone, get huffy and say you cannot talk, and then hang up on me. Not answering is a perfectly acceptable option. That’s why you have voicemail, asshole.

Make your s’mores with Reese’s instead of a regular chocolate bar.
It’s not paleo and it’s not healthy, but it will change the way you think about campfires for the rest of your life.

We started our Lifestyle Makeover 2012 Extravaganza Of Health Celebration today. That’s what I’m calling it (seriously. I made an entire category devoted to this six month deal. Categories are official). It sounds really festive and exciting, and I suppose in the long term it is. Health! Longevity! Horray!

And then this morning I walked into the break room and there, in all of their chocolately glory, were some brownie fudge things that one of my coworkers made. My willpower muscle is getting flexed earlier than I thought it would.

Our paleo diet starts tomorrow and I am very much looking forward to it. It’s not a diet, really. I mean, it is. It’s a diet in that we’re changing our food habits and becoming more healthful and eating real food, but there is a certain amount of guilt that’s associated with the word “diet” as our society has come to know it. Dieting means eating dry salad and boiled chicken and never enjoying your food. Dieting means restriction and cheat meals and shame.

When we (“we” in general, not me and you, though we probably do this, too) define something as a “cheat” meal there is a twinge of guilt that becomes associated with eating a certain thing. It’s off limits; it’s taboo. DO NOT EAT THE CURLY FRIES. Or, if you do eat curly fries, you are somehow required to say something demeaning about yourself, such as “Ugh, these are so bad for me” or “Oh my gosh, I’m such a pig.” But no! Just eat the curly fries! Eat them and enjoy them because curly fries are fucking delicious. As long as you don’t eat curly fries all the time, you’re okay.

Our meals will consist of exactly what we ate during our Whole30 only we are following this for a longer period of time. There are a few things I hope to accomplish by going paleo, the first of which is lose weight. The second is completely relieve my chronic heartburn. I’d also like to stop the afternoon sugar cravings, have more energy, and sleep without needing to take a drug.

The first thirty days are going to be the most difficult, I think. That’s when I will be the most strict. Absolutely no dairy, which makes my coffee-creamer lovin’ self sad. I’ve regressed so much in the past two months that in order to get back on track I need a balls to the wall approach for the first month, especially since I didn’t do so hot during the first Whole30 in February (oh, so many delicious doughnuts).

Jason will be joining me.

I’m taking “before” pictures of both of us tonight, and will post them at a future date that has yet to be determined. Three months from now? Six? Maybe six. Maybe both.

My domain is also changing to reflect the refocusing of this blog. I’ve bought it already; now it’s just a matter of redirecting The HLP’s url to the new one.

You guys.
I’m so excited.